(Almost) Everything I (Probably) Needed to Know About Outreach, I (Maybe) Learned from Dating:

For those of us in the Mainline Protestant and Catholic faith traditions, outreach probably doesn't come naturally.  We’re sort of the introverts and wallflowers of the Christian world.  Yet, most of us don't really want to be lonely.  We just need some practical pointers on how to meet and get to know other people, so that we can have a healthy and growing church family.  

Since I am an introvert by nature and also a Mainline Protestant,* and also have worked in several churches who want to grow but don’t quite know how, I empathize with these situations.  However, I am also a happily married mother of three, and want to encourage those looking for love, even just folks to love your church as much as you do, that it is possible and it can get better.

I am writing this not just as a pastor to other pastors, but for elders/council members, deacons, outreach committees, long-term members, and any person who wants to help grow their church in healthy and fulfilling ways.  In essence, I am writing this to churches as a whole congregation, to see yourself as one body, working together.  Successful outreach requires all parts of the body to be working toward the larger goal.  If the heart of your congregation isn’t in it, it probably isn’t going to happen.  Also, all metaphors are imperfect, and so is this article.  Hence, the title.

That said, here is what I’ve learned:

Don’t sit home and sulk.  Rather than sitting alone in your church home complaining that nobody calls and you don’t know anyone to invite, get out and go places where you will meet new people.  Volunteer for causes you care about.  Attend cultural events.  Take a class. Do things you enjoy.  Chances are, other people enjoy doing those things too and when you meet you’ll have something in common.

Check your breath:  sometimes before you’re really ready to make a good impression, you need a trustworthy person with an outside perspective.  Is there anything you need to fix before you go out in public?   Sometimes, it’s something simple, like tidying up and looking less shabby.  Or perhaps your way of greeting people isn’t as warm as it could be.  Other times, the issue could be more serious.  (Let’s be blunt:  if you’re currently a train wreck, this isn’t the time to be getting into new relationships.  You may have to spend some time working on your core issues [finances, unhealthy conflicts], perhaps with professional assistance, before you get back out there). This is valuable feedback, because the people you trust enough to be frank with you, love you and want you to succeed.  Listen carefully to the responses, and don’t get defensive.  Just thank them for their honest feedback.

Get your friends to help.  Your friends know you well and probably know people who you should meet.  In a church context, elders, deacons, and long-time church members know the church and the community well--both the folks on the outer edges of the congregation, as well as folks in town that are without a church home, or who had a church home but quit attending.  Ask them to help arrange a no-pressure introduction, perhaps in a small gathering at the local coffee shop.

Avoid pick-up lines.  There are some folks that will respond to a line like, “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?” but in reality, a lot of good people will recoil from such an overbearing approach.  Just be yourself, and as you get to know people better, authentic opportunities to discuss the values that matter to you most will come.

Sometimes it’s the little things that make a big difference.  Hold the door open.  Help them with their coat or diaper bag.  Offer to get them a coffee, a snack, a bulletin.  Walk them out to their car afterwards, especially if the weather is bad or they’re struggling to load up the kids.  Don’t overdo it, and back off if people decline your assistance, but a little help is often quite appreciated.

Get to know their story.  Once you’ve met someone and are spending more time with them, ask questions:  What matters to this person?  What are their hopes and dreams?  What can do you to help them--whether introducing them to friends who share their interests, or simply providing encouragement and a listening ear?

Don’t be sleazy.  People can usually tell whether you’re really interested in them for who they are, or if you’re just trying to get something out of them.  Be really, authentically, interested in who they are.  Even if they don’t become involved, you may have just made a great friend.

Be safe.  Not all people out there seeking a relationship are coming from a healthy place.  It’s good to be compassionate and caring, but also maintain healthy boundaries and recognize when you’re getting in over your head with someone. Consider meeting new people in groups or in public.  Do your homework in advance and be prepared with some resources in case a new friend needs more help than you can provide.  This way, you can let the relationship develop without becoming harmful to you both.

Introduce them to your social circle.  If they’re important to you, help them feel that way.  Introduce them to your friends at church.  Include them in conversation at coffee hour.  Invite them out to brunch or the concert if folks are headed that way anyway.  People want to know they’ll fit in, and people really hate being the only one who doesn’t know anybody.

You don’t get married on the first date, but the first date still matters.  Make your best possible, yet authentic, first impression.  For some people, it’s love at first sight; others need a while to grow into the relationship. Be patient, be yourself, and don’t pressure someone into a commitment before they’re ready.

Throw parties.  Parties are fun.  And, inviting people to a social event is much less pressure than inviting them to church.  Let’s face it, not everyone who shows up at your party (block party, community event, etc.) is going to turn into a long-term relationship, but you’ll get to meet a lot of folks, and some of them will become friends, maybe more.  When you do throw a party or other public event, be a good host--help people feel comfortable, introduce them to folks and get conversations started; let them hang out and help in the kitchen if that’s where they find themselves.  

Not all relationships last, but you’ll learn from each one.  Not everybody you meet and spend time with will join your church.  Sometimes they’re just not that into you; sometimes it isn’t a good match.  However, the time that you spent with them isn’t wasted.  With each person you develop better relationship skills and learn more about yourself, that will help you to be healthier and give you more confidence the next time you meet someone new.

The community and the Holy Spirit matter.  A marriage in the Christian church is not just between two people, or even two people and God, but unites their two communities (friends and family) and is surrounded by the community of the church as well.  The whole church is obligated to help nurture that new relationship and help it succeed.  Likewise, growing and sustaining membership needs the support of both divine and human community.  Reliance on the Holy Spirit to build (and occasionally mend) strong bonds is also needed, and requires prayer and patience.  

Making a commitment is really just the beginning.  Even after someone makes a commitment, you have to keep nurturing the relationship.  Take no one for granted, but remember they are partners with you in building the church family and home.  Keeping a relationship healthy makes it last for a lifetime.  Work through compromise and negotiation when individuals or groups within the congregation disagree.  It doesn’t make sense to invite folks in at the cost of losing just as many out the back door.

Keep the love alive:  Like all relationships, after the initial excitement wears off, there has to be enough substance to make the relationship last.  In the church, pastors retire or move on.  Music styles change. The kids who were brought to Sunday School faithfully grow up and move away.   Help people negotiate these life transitions without feeling lost or drifting away.  Keep the relationship grounded in God and supported by the network of the wider congregation.

Similarly, don’t just ‘go through the motions’ of daily church life--committee meetings, stewardship drives, and Sunday mornings.  Keep up the relationship by doing fun things together, as well as spending time in reflection and deep conversation, and of course, sharing the difficult times with compassion and forgiveness.

Finally, remember the big picture:  The point of any partnership is to serve God together in all that you do.  Make that the focus of every relationship, and with God’s grace, you will grow in love.

*The author is a PCUSA pastor who grew up ELCA Lutheran.  She is married to a UCC pastor who grew up Catholic and was ordained Church of the Brethren.  Both are committed to building bridges of understanding among different faith traditions, and family faith discussions are rarely dull!